Things Not Cool

Wine Guy

2008-11-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

By Andy G.

Using words like earthy, nutty, complex, or oakey to detail your drinking experience. They're f-ing grapes.
Molesting the glass of wine before drinking it. Caressing the glass while you stare at it and then you start swirling it, tilting it, sticking your face in it. Get a room.
Swishing it in your mouth like Listerine
Disguising your nightly drinking of wine as a connoisseur instead of just wanting to get blitzed because your life sucks
Talking about the life of a grape by describing how it has over come adversity, like it's MLK.
Not having a scientifically modified super palette, but still purchasing $1000 bottles because you can tell the difference
Using wine paring expertise to convince you there is a perfect wine to go with your Froot Loops.

Everyday Products

2008-08-23T18:10:00.001-07:00

If you own any of these items or think they are cool, you are not:

Divoga Managers Chair. Features a slim profile, chrome base, and eggshell colored faux leather with lumbar support and padded armrest
Fake bullet holes and baseball through glass sticker for cars. These look really stupid and if you have one of these stickers you should remove it immediately
Taking submissions at gatorjeff@gmail.com for more uncool products

Flying

2008-03-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that you will probably have to take your shoes off when going through security at a U.S. airport. Therefore, WHY wear knee high lace up boots that take 20 minutes to get off?
Trying to put a full-size suit case into a small plane's overhead.
Arguing with the gate agent that you should board early with the frequent fliers because in 1980 you were a frequent flier.
Using your cell phone on the plane before take-off and making sure everyone on the plane can hear you.
Getting out of your seat when the plane lands and getting your overhead items before the fasten seat belt sign is off. Do you really need a head-start?

Things For Guys

2007-11-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

Not cool if you drive a VW Beetle
Wear pants that are patchwork or pastel in color
Have a cell phone that is red or any color other than black, gray, silver, or dark blue
Carry a man bag
Keep your keys and/or wallet attached to your jeans via a chain of some kind
Wear t-shirts representing beers and especially bad beers (e.g. Bud, Miller Lite, etc.)
Drink bad beers (e.g. Bud, Miller Lite, Coors, most other mass produced American beers)
If you yell "Number 1" or hold up one finger in the air at a ball game whenever your team does something decent but in reality your team sucks and is not even ranked
If you can name a single Britney Spears, Celine Dion, or John Tesh song
If you purposely have a dog that would fit into a duffel bag

Jobs

2007-10-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

If your job involves calling people for the purpose of selling something, surveying, or telling me who to vote for
If you make money based on sales from a pyramid situation
If you peddle vacation cruises for "free" plus port fees, flight to port, and "other fees"
If you sell timeshares
If you are a cold-calling stock or commodities broker...slimy
Realtors who call sellers and use market scare tactics
Car sales people who know less about the cars they sell than the customer....there are many of you
The person that has been holding the sign on the corner telling me about the golf store closing sale for the last three years
The person who has to yell "welcome to Moe's"
The person that drives the car that looks like a giant rat

Computers

2007-10-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

If someone tells you to go to cnn.com and you go to Google and type "cnn.com" into the Google search box, you really need a computer lesson....and are not cool
You are not cool if you still do not know what "tabbed browsing" is
If your e-mail address changes every time your Internet provider changes....not cool
If #3 doesn't make sense to you....
If your computer still has the original sticker on the front that shows the specs (this goes for digital cameras and other similar devices)
If your computer has enough food in between the keys to make Thanksgiving dinner
If your screen is so smudged you need a professional window cleaner to come out and clean it
If you still use AOL (or had AOL anytime in the last 10 years)
If your laptop is larger than your TV
If you bookmark every page you have ever gone to

Topic #3 - Fashion

2007-10-12T17:42:00.001-07:00

People who wear calculator watches. I actually see people wearing these in actual work meetings. There is no excuse for this. They were only cool for about 1 week about 25 years ago.
Shoes and belt colors that do not match. I am a guy and even get this one.
Short sleeve dress shirts. It is not a dress shirt if it is short sleeved. It looks ridiculous. I don't care if you live in Florida.
Worse....wearing a tie with a short sleeved shirt
Patchwork pants. I actually saw this once. At work. When we teased you we were not kidding. They looked moronic.
Jean shorts (jorts)
Sleeveless shirts. This is not normal behavior.
Double denim. Jean jackets with jeans. Not cool.
Bow ties. If your not wearing a tux you shouldn't be wearing a bow tie.
A picture of your animal printed on your shirt. Very uncool.
Socks with Sandals
Crocs on men. I don't really get the purpose of those things.

Topic #3 - Fashion

2007-10-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

Due to populate demand (1 request) the next topic will be fashion. Check back in a couple days. Any other suggestions?

Taking Suggestions

2007-10-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am taking suggestions for Topic #3. Guest authors coming soon. If you can create a list on a topic of things that are not cool please send my way.

Topic #2 - Cats

2007-10-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

It is not cool to call your cat during your lunch hour and speak to them over the answering machine. "Did you eat all your food Snuggles?", "Mommy will be home in a few hours." Please stop.
People who walk their cats on a leash. This is ridiculous.
People who talk about their cats like they are human children.
People who leave money to their cats when they die.
People who have posters of cats hanging in their office.
People who celebrate their cat's birthday and invite other people's cats to attend the party.
People who have pictures of their cats without an accompanying human being next to them in the picture.
People who have professional pictures made with their cats
People who dress up their cats
If your cat has a MySpace page you are not cool and probably have much bigger issues

Some of you ARE cool

2007-10-05T18:24:00.001-07:00

Many of you commented that you are not cool because you drive minivans or other kid-friendly vehicles. I am declaring you cool just for calling yourself out.

Help with Topics

2007-10-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

Just to be clear, I am a Florida Gator (some of you had asked).
I am taking submissions for other topics. I will try to update this Blog at least every few days. If you have anything to add to one of the lists please let me know.

Today's Topic: Cars

2007-09-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

Do you drive a cool car? I doubt it. Non-cool cars/things car related:

Any car that is Gold or Yellow
Cars with pin stripes
Pontiac Aztec's. If you have one please drive straight to a car dealer and lose it. If it is Yellow please set it free off a cliff.
Cars with hub caps. This is OK if you have a cheap car. This is not OK if you buy a real car and do not opt for real rims.
Leaving the Dealer license tag frame on the car after taking the car home. Seriously? You left yours on? It looks ridiculous.
Even worse, leaving the sticker of the Dealership on the back of the car. This looks awful. Go outside and remove it right now. I will wait.
The Chrysler 300M. This is not a cool car. This is a ridiculous looking junky car. Trust me, people are only looking at you to see who actually walked into a Chrysler dealership and thought, "that is a nice looking car, I think I will buy it". Really? You thought it looked good? Seriously? Did you also think it was well built?
Honor Student stickers. No one cares less about your kid than the person driving behind you.
People that will only buy American cars. I am sure my Acura has more American supplied parts than any "American" car out there. Many are made in Canada and Mexico. Get over it.
People that buy the undercoating on a new car and think they got a good deal on the car. You didn't.
PT Cruisers.
Chevy HHR and SSR
People who stop a football fields length behind the person in front of them at a red light.

Gators

2007-07-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

This Blog will now focus on things that are cool and things that are not cool. You should pay attention.