Wine Guy

By Andy G.

1. Using words like earthy, nutty, complex, or oakey to detail your drinking experience. They're f-ing grapes.
2. Molesting the glass of wine before drinking it. Caressing the glass while you stare at it and then you start swirling it, tilting it, sticking your face in it. Get a room.
3. Swishing it in your mouth like Listerine
4. Disguising your nightly drinking of wine as a connoisseur instead of just wanting to get blitzed because your life sucks
5. Talking about the life of a grape by describing how it has over come adversity, like it's MLK.
6. Not having a scientifically modified super palette, but still purchasing $1000 bottles because you can tell the difference
7. Using wine paring expertise to convince you there is a perfect wine to go with your Froot Loops.

Everyday Products

If you own any of these items or think they are cool, you are not:

1. Divoga Managers Chair. Features a slim profile, chrome base, and eggshell colored faux leather with lumbar support and padded armrest
2. Fake bullet holes and baseball through glass sticker for cars. These look really stupid and if you have one of these stickers you should remove it immediately
   
3. Taking submissions at gatorjeff@gmail.com for more uncool products

Flying

1. Everyone knows that you will probably have to take your shoes off when going through security at a U.S. airport. Therefore, WHY wear knee high lace up boots that take 20 minutes to get off?
2. Trying to put a full-size suit case into a small plane's overhead.
   
3. Arguing with the gate agent that you should board early with the frequent fliers because in 1980 you were a frequent flier.
   
4. Using your cell phone on the plane before take-off and making sure everyone on the plane can hear you.
5. Getting out of your seat when the plane lands and getting your overhead items before the fasten seat belt sign is off. Do you really need a head-start?

Things For Guys

1. Not cool if you drive a VW Beetle
   
2. Wear pants that are patchwork or pastel in color
3. Have a cell phone that is red or any color other than black, gray, silver, or dark blue
   
4. Carry a man bag
5. Keep your keys and/or wallet attached to your jeans via a chain of some kind
6. Wear t-shirts representing beers and especially bad beers (e.g. Bud, Miller Lite, etc.)
7. Drink bad beers (e.g. Bud, Miller Lite, Coors, most other mass produced American beers)
8. If you yell "Number 1" or hold up one finger in the air at a ball game whenever your team does something decent but in reality your team sucks and is not even ranked
   
9. If you can name a single Britney Spears, Celine Dion, or John Tesh song
10. If you purposely have a dog that would fit into a duffel bag
    

Jobs

1. If your job involves calling people for the purpose of selling something, surveying, or telling me who to vote for
2. If you make money based on sales from a pyramid situation
3. If you peddle vacation cruises for "free" plus port fees, flight to port, and "other fees"
4. If you sell timeshares
5. If you are a cold-calling stock or commodities broker...slimy
6. Realtors who call sellers and use market scare tactics
7. Car sales people who know less about the cars they sell than the customer....there are many of you
8. The person that has been holding the sign on the corner telling me about the golf store closing sale for the last three years
9. The person who has to yell "welcome to Moe's"
10. The person that drives the car that looks like a giant rat
    

Computers

1. If someone tells you to go to cnn.com and you go to Google and type "cnn.com" into the Google search box, you really need a computer lesson....and are not cool
2. You are not cool if you still do not know what "tabbed browsing" is
3. If your e-mail address changes every time your Internet provider changes....not cool
4. If #3 doesn't make sense to you....
5. If your computer still has the original sticker on the front that shows the specs (this goes for digital cameras and other similar devices)
6. If your computer has enough food in between the keys to make Thanksgiving dinner
7. If your screen is so smudged you need a professional window cleaner to come out and clean it
   
8. If you still use AOL (or had AOL anytime in the last 10 years)
9. If your laptop is larger than your TV
10. If you bookmark every page you have ever gone to
    

Topic #3 - Fashion

1. People who wear calculator watches. I actually see people wearing these in actual work meetings. There is no excuse for this. They were only cool for about 1 week about 25 years ago.
2. Shoes and belt colors that do not match. I am a guy and even get this one.
   
3. Short sleeve dress shirts. It is not a dress shirt if it is short sleeved. It looks ridiculous. I don't care if you live in Florida.
4. Worse....wearing a tie with a short sleeved shirt
5. Patchwork pants. I actually saw this once. At work. When we teased you we were not kidding. They looked moronic.
6. Jean shorts (jorts)
   
7. Sleeveless shirts. This is not normal behavior.
8. Double denim. Jean jackets with jeans. Not cool.
   
9. Bow ties. If your not wearing a tux you shouldn't be wearing a bow tie.
10. A picture of your animal printed on your shirt. Very uncool.
11. Socks with Sandals
12. Crocs on men. I don't really get the purpose of those things.